I’ve made a decision.
Since I spend most of my days writing for a large corporate that just doesn’t give a damn, I’ve decided that I want to be a writer. No actually I take that back, I don’t want to be a writer, I already am a writer and I am a better writer than the pathetic ass job that I do. Writing standard apology letters is not only boring as hell, but it’s fucking degrading.

I have so much stuff to say and so many brains to pick at and I’ve been wasting my all time walking in piss.

I’m currently in an insomnia stage. I have not slept in a week and all I kept thinking while looking at walls waiting for sleep to take me away but so far it hasn’t happened and I’m getting crazier by the minute.

So the decision is made. I will start working toward becoming a writer, and not a robot writer.

I have this very active brain that I can’t control. I got to bed and it just starts analyzing and dissecting everything and the next thing I know it’s time to go to work. There is just so much a body can handle and energy drinks and coffee can only keep your eyes open for so long before you crash and burn.

I want to crash so fucking bad I can taste the burn.

My life is in order right now, quite unusual. We redecorated our living room a couple of weeks ago and I spent oh, I don’t know a thousand dollars on art work, wall decorations and lamps alone. It looks really fabulous.

Matt and I are doing excellent as usual. We are truly compatible and it works and he’s my best friend in the world and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. We have been together 2 years and a half on August 14th.

Believe it or not, I’m still dieting and worrying about my weight. Then the other day I was really thinking deeply about it (fuck man I don’t sleep, what else can I do?) and I was thinking on how my life would change if I was a size zero… I mean I would surely have more confidence in myself, but Matt would love me no more or less cause that stuff doesn’t matter to him, and all my friends would still be my friends, so in the end the only people who would see me differently and who would like me more because I’m skinny would just be ignorant assholes in the first place.

I mean to be honest; I want to lose weight for me and me only. I’m a very harsh self critic and I want to meet my own impossible standards. It may never happen but I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try.

Anyway that’s it for no, it’s all my brain could process because I’m dragging my ass so bad right now it’s pathetic.

So wish me luck.
Especially on sleeping tonight.
Monica
oxox